How to Respond When “I’m Sorry” Never Comes

Apologizing and extending forgiveness are essential to building a healthy marriage. When one spouse refuses to apologize, it can leave the other feeling disrespected, unloved, and unimportant. Over time, that refusal can drive a painful wedge in the relationship.

So, what can you do when your spouse won’t say “I’m sorry”?

1. Appeal to the Heart, Not Just the Behavior

Sometimes, a spouse may not realize their actions were hurtful. In these moments, clear and honest communication is key.

• Explain how the action made you feel, even if there was no bad intent.

• Use specific examples (e.g., a kept secret, harsh words, or broken promises).

• Focus on the emotional impact, not just the event itself.

Even if your spouse didn’t mean to hurt you, sharing your feelings calmly can open the door to understanding.

2. Model Humility and Extend Grace

Healthy communication requires both a willingness to apologize and a willingness to forgive.

• Apologize quickly when you realize you’ve hurt your spouse, even unintentionally.

• Avoid excuses and justifications.

• Be just as quick to forgive when your spouse makes an effort to make things right.

• Let go of grudges so resentment doesn't take root.

A sincere apology restores trust. Forgiveness keeps the relationship from growing cold.

3. Confront the Cycle with Truth and Support

Some spouses apologize with words but not actions. This can be incredibly frustrating and damaging.

• Acknowledge the apology, but address the lack of follow-through.

• Express that continued hurt without change feels like a broken cycle.

• If necessary, seek outside help—marriage intensives or counseling can provide the support and accountability needed for lasting change.

Common underlying issues might include:

• Addiction

• Secret behaviors or habits

• Emotional disconnect or defensiveness

Love requires truth. Real change often takes real help.

4. Help Redefine What Apologizing Really Means

For some, apologizing feels like admitting defeat or showing weakness.

• Gently challenge that mindset.

• Share your own experiences with apologizing and being forgiven.

• Invite them into a deeper, judgment-free conversation about why “I’m sorry” is hard for them to say.

If your spouse shuts down during these conversations, a trained marriage counselor can help guide the dialogue in a safe, productive way.

Apologizing isn't weakness, it’s a sign of emotional maturity and commitment.

5. Don’t Stop Showing Up With Love

When change is slow or non-existent, it’s easy to lose hope. But don’t give up.

• Keep having the hard conversations—calmly, lovingly, and consistently.

• Set healthy boundaries without escalating to arguments.

• Continue seeking support from trusted resources and professionals.

• Keep believing that healing is possible.

You are not alone. There is always hope for change, growth, and restoration, even in the hardest seasons of marriage.

• A lack of apology often stems from unawareness, pride, or deeper struggles.

• Speak honestly and calmly about how you feel.

• Model humility and be willing to forgive.

• Address repeated patterns with love, truth, and outside help if needed.

• Don’t lose hope. Real change takes time, but it’s possible.